One day a man decided that his parrot was very grubby and needed a wash.
So he washed the parrot in Daz. Unfortunately, the parrot died.
When telling this story to a friend, the friend asks "was it the Daz that
killed the parrot?" To which the man replied "no, it was the spin dryer"!
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on
the left costs $5,000.00." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the
man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one
costs $15,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to
be told that it costs $30,000. Needless to say this begs the question,
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen him do a thing,
but the other two call him boss!"
A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off the parrot's
cage, makes a coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her
boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades,
puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The
parrot, from under the cloth then says: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped
dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief,
then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female
parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi,
we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your
two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male
parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your
parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will
learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the
ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big
one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''